RULES
OF ENGAGEMENT
It doesn't matter how good your relationship is with someone, sooner or later
you will disagree with them. The interaction during times of conflict can
destroy a
friendship or make it even stronger than before.
The first rule is, forget about 'winning'. The object is to take care of a
particular issue, not crush the other person into the dust. This doesn't have to
be a competition and there doesn't have to be a winner or a loser. To promote
this atmosphere stick to the subject and never make a personal attack. At the
moment it may feel good to call the other party a brainless boob, but they will
probably become defensive and either withdraw or return fire and the ensuing
shouting match will have no more of a goal than to hurt each other. If your
words are honed sharp enough you may win the argument, but it can be at a
terrific cost.
Next, take possession of your emotions. I cringe when someone says, 'That
person makes me so angry." No one can 'make' you feel anything. No
one has that power or control over you. Besides, anger is a secondary emotion.
First we may feel embarrassed, hurt, frustrated, discounted, etc, etc ... then
the anger rolls in. If we can recognize and stay in touch with the primary
emotion then the anger will
probably never show up. Our feelings belong to us and no one has the power to
put them there ... take ownership of them. So ... rather than putting blame on
the other party by saying, "You thoroughly embarrassed me."(Remember, they don't
have that power), say something like, "When you did that I was really
embarrassed." See the difference? In the second example you are taking
responsibility for your emotions and not placing blame on the other party. Old
habits are hard to break, but through practice this language becomes easier and
is definitely less stressful.
Each of us has led a unique life, no two of us has shared all of the same
experiences, and we react to new situations based on our past. So each of us
will react differently to a given situation. Some have developed great skills in
arguing,
it has worked for them many, many times and they are quick to resort to it.
While others find arguing awkward, filled with stress and almost impossible to
participate in. If a workable solution is going to be found the playing field
has to
be leveled, no matter what a person's debating skills are. One party may need
time to put their thoughts together or let their emotions settle. If they ask
for some space or time out, it should be given to them, but make a firm
commitment to work on the problem at a particular time in the future. To resolve
a problem, listening is as important as getting our own view across. If one side
feels they aren't being heard
they may get louder and louder, and things quickly get out of control. But if a
calm atmosphere can be maintained with honest give and take, you may find both
of you are on the same side, working for a common goal. Genuinely hearing the
other personšs views and knowing that they are listening to you can facilitate
solutions that neither one of you would have thought of alone. The idea is to
level bumps in the road, not make them higher by throwing another body on the
pile.
send mail to John at:
jcrusey@woh.rr.com
y@woh.rr.comwoh.rr.com
